Friday, January 30, 2009

i've decided

i have no life.........

tyler has officially moved back in with his dad and stepmom in tooele. i feel kinda bad that i was so happy. but then i also realized that my social life has gone down the toilet since i was sick. and im kinda really sad that mady is being a master-debater (masturbater) all this weekend. maybe i should join debate next year? i dunnoo. i dont think i could deal with carol as a coach.

oh and i just spent forever watching the videos of allie and kellen. cause it was ridiculously funny and i really have nothing better to do. so yeah. i have no lifee.

its pretty much 11 days till i come home for 6 days. =] im happy happy happy. lots of fun things. lots of lovin.

ok back to tyler. he just called to tell me he's lonely. i feel bad cause i dont care. he went from being way chill to way obsessive and clingy and i hate it. hate it hate it hate it.

and i really like my profile song on myspace. go check it out. its not all in spanish i promise although a lot of it is but its good =]it makes me wanna dance with a boy.

i think im done for now. sleepy times? i think sooo.
still havent written my history essay or read my 8 chapters in Frankenstein or in the scarlet letter or any of the fantastical things i should have done with my day off of life today

Thursday, January 29, 2009

we've run out of words. we've run out of time

We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl BOY you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl BOY it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

i dont know what to say to tyler. he's been acting so different and i know its because he is "jealous" of cooper now. even though he promised. he promised that he wouldnt. he promised he wouldnt fall in love with me. he promised. and now you can tell he is. its frustrating. i care about him. but i dont want it. i dont want it anymore. it got too serious for me.

i want to go home. home home. not 10983 sunup way but 7185 pecan ave. my real home.

Monday, January 26, 2009

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.

I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.

And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my existence
Is laying here in front of me.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go

And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side

Some songs are just too perfect for how you feel.

im supposed to be writing my essay
but i dont wanna.... *stamps feet and throws a hissy fit*
im just kidding. im a mature 16 year old i wouldnt do thatttt

next two weeks need to go by fast.
everything i want is waiting for me in lovely southern california.
ryan and stephi and cooper and molly and just everything.
i want to come back for good.
but as magical as it would be.
i couldnt live with my dad.
i could technically move back.
but its not worth it if i have to live with keenan.
i couldnt do it
i would go insane

ive told a couple people this. that my one really big problem with moving was that now graduating is just a ceremony to tell me that i didnt fail. if i hadnt moved. it would be more of an accomplishment. it would mean so much more to me. i want to graduate with the people i grew up with my entire life. the people that have seen me through all my awkward stages and all my ridiculous moments. ever since my brother graduated moorpark its always been like just something engraved in my mind. "follow in tory's footsteps. he knows what he's doing" to graduate moorpark high school was alwasy a kind of expectation and now that its gone. graduating really doesnt mean anything to me. graduating isnt supposed to just mean "hey look you got good grades hurray" its a celebration of making it through all the shit. all the years. all the little fights with your best friends all the broken hearts and all the anxiety of trying to get good grades on top of that. and i mean yeah im going through that here at bingham but it just feels like half of it is missing. ya know?

god damn it everyone in utah is getting married. first it was melody then it was my cousin maren and now shanna is getting married. jeezzzz how many weddings can one girl go to in a season? im not complaining though =] i like getting all dressed up and take lots of pictures =]

oh oh oh and my friend dani from eighth grade had a freaking baby! she is what 17? but she looks happy and her baby is absolutely gorgeous.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

in the sea there is a fish, a fish that has a secret wish, a wish to be a big cactus

with a pink flower on it
And the flower
Would be its offering

Of love to the desert.

And the desert,

So dry and lonely,

That the critters all
Appreciate the effort

Et le jackalope a dit

Je voudrais ĂȘtre un yeti

Pour voler dans la nuit

Et m'en aller loin d'ici

Mais le yeti a dit
Je voudrais ĂȘtre un monstre marin

Pour pouvoir rentrer dans la mer

De tous les requins

i love juno
ive had multiple comments about the similarities in our personalities lol
......I wish i were more like her.
or at least i wish i looked like ellen page. shes gorgeous
i think im in love

Saturday, January 24, 2009

the cold airs coming to take its place. you see it comin so embrace

And this is the coldest night of them all
The rain will freeze and snow will fall
To the ground, I'm falling down
I'm stuck here for another day

it is 2 in the morning.
a very ungodly hour to be up at.
tyler is down stairs on the couch.
and im cool with that
i feel like being alone right now.
although if mady were here that would be fantastic

so ive decided that some deity in heaven hates me.
after being house ridden for 2 weeks because of my MS treatment,
i woke up wednesday morning with a lovely bout of pink eye
in both eyes...
someone never wants me to go back to school
not coooool.

i dont think i have ever met anyone in my entire life with more boy drama than me lol
despite having a lovely boyfriend
my relationship with jordan cooper still excels into utter chaos.
tyler knows all about it and perhaps that is why i like him so much
tyler knows i love jordan much more than him and tyler knows that he will probably love someone more than me. but we are taking care of each other in the mean time. and that is why we work.

then there is my girl drama. and just for all of you reading my blog that didnt already know this yes i am bisexual. and proud of it. i think that i have the possiblity of finding love in both genders. yep yep.
so yeah for this lovely new semester. i have a class with taylor. i have the biggest crush on this girl. have since world history last year. she knows it too. and now that i have a boyfriend i think that she is starting to have feelings for me again.
i love her timing.

there are a lot of things i want to say.
but i feel like im 10. i feel like im complaining about everything.
to be honest i am so thankful right now though.
i have the most amazing support system.
Out here in SoJo and Back home in Moorpark.
Hell even Choate in Oklahoma.
i have the most amazing friends
and i just want to thank everyone who was there for me when i was in the hospital and when i was bored out of my mind sitting at home these last few weeks.
thank you thank you thank you.

fuck. i need to call blue fish sushi. i hope they are still hiring lol. i need a job haha i need to get some money so i can come visit everyone. <333333333333333333333333

Sunday, January 18, 2009

we love you conrad oh yes we do

so ty and i are sitting here watching bye bye birdie =]
i love this musical.
reminds me of 8th grade and tonya and jeremy and just everyone
choir theatre etc.

i think im driving tyler insane by singing everything but i dont care =]
he loves me anyway

oohhh and i got my laptop =]]]]]
i use it 24/7
im wasting away my brain with it

Friday, January 16, 2009

im caught in the streams of yesterdays dreams and all i can say is i'm sorry

i really dont feel like going to school today.
i couldnt sleep.
im not tired.
im drained though.
my head is splitting in two.
i have an essay due in less than an hour that i didnt even start. and im not going to.
i have a test in 3 hours that i missed all the material on and havent quite brought myself up to speed on.
then i have 2 more tests that i havent begun consider.
and i dont care about any of them.
im not going to take them.
even if it means me failing.
i dont care

i cant fucking do it
i cant fucking do any of it.

fucking hopeless.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

so here we go.

i feel like its been a million years since i posted.
tyler and i are happy.
he is adorable i am adorable and we are adorable together.
we couldnt have picked a better time.

starting last friday i started feeling really weird.
headaches, my eyes wouldnt focus, nausea.
i just htought i was still getting over being sick.
well sunday night it kept getting worse so we took bobby to the airport after his 5 day stay with us [which was amazing to say the least]
and my mom, mady, tyler and i went to the instacare in riverton.
they took one look at me and told me i should go to the emergency room over at primary childrens hospital.
we took mady home cause she had to be at school the next day
but tyler told me he would stay with me.
so we made our way up to the U and went in.
i spent hours in the trauma department.
fucking poking me proding me with needles and patches andfinger monitor things that make you want to pretend you are ET. or that you can just use to smack tyler in the head with when your nurses arent looking.
so doctor after doctor after doctor.
they take me in give me an MRI.
i have abnormal swelling in my brain/brain stem.
it was triggered by my whatever it was i had a few weeks before.
its the first sign kinda thing for a disease called MS or multiple sclerosis.
which is :Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a potentially debilitating disease in which your body's immune system eats away at the protective sheath that covers your nerves. This interferes with the communication between your brain and the rest of your body. Ultimately, this may result in deterioration of the nerves themselves, a process that's not reversible.

so yeah. meet hilary the neurologic mess lol. im just kidding. its not that bad. and it may as well never get that bad. they dont know. but that night they gave me a spinal tap. and that was the worst thing they could ever do to me. i HATE needles. hate hate hate hate hate needles. it was a huge needle that they stick into your spine. gawdddd. it was horrible. but there tyler was and my brother aaron and his girlfriend jess and my mom all holding my hand while the doctors made me chemically drunk. fantastic.
that night i spent in the hospital. it wasnt half bad. they let me go the next day and told me to come bak the day after for more treatment and so on and so forth. high doses of steroids. lortab. all kinda of other stuff. and now i take it at home. which still sucks. but there has only been one day since then that i havent seen tyler. that boy is amazing. he's taking care of me and i need that.

cooper hasnt been there at all. he thought i was lying when i said i was in the hospital. and now he is trying to convince me that our lives are better seperate. maybe they are. but jordan ryuichi william cooper is the one boy i realy wanted to spend my life with. hell im 16 though. what do i know. i just wish he could have been there when i was lying in that hospital bed in pain. im just one lucky SOB that i had tyler there. i dont know what i would have done without him. i think everything would have been a lot worse.

i need to sleep. maybe ill post more tomorrow. idk yet depends on how i feel.
i love you. one and all

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Boys boys Boys

i like them much too much
i've gots a boyfriend now lol
his name is tyler =] tyler keepers
he is adorable absolutely adorable =]]
but dont tell cooper.
im trying to leave him out of it.
cause im in love with cooper and always will be. and who knows maybe we will be happy together but i want to be happy and together with someone now instead of just waiting for happiness to come later.
its a waste of life to not be happy.

i love stephi and ryan. lots =]