Friday, February 27, 2009

Watching Skins

Is probably not good for my health.

it aggravates me excites me depresses me and makes me happy all at the same time.
it makes me want to smoke a joint or two and have sex with every hot guy or girl on the street.
(which of course my morals and heart would never let me commit the latter)
it makes me want to find new friends and party every night.
it makes me want to dress differently.
it makes me want to move to bristol.
(which i will do one day anyways)
it makes me want to fall in love.
it makes me want to not be scared of what anyone thinks.

lately things have been good academically and decent in general. california helped a lot with my motivation. I miss Mady though. she is at debate every weekend and i feel our relationship slipping through my fingers. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND. but i dont think im hers. I TELL HER EVERYTHING. and she really doesnt tell me anything. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL. PICK HER UP FROM ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME. I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR HER. ALL I WANT TO DO IS PROTECT HER. But. She just wants me to live my life. I dont know if she would take a bullet for me. and the only reason we see each other is because i call her and arrange it or i come wake her up or etc. Her birthday is less than a month away and i know what im going to get her. i hope she likes it and takes it serious. I dont want to say what it is incase of the off chance she actually logs onto blogger between now and then. unlikely but still relatively possible. but im just scared i suppose. if she wont tell me about her life then who is she telling? and if she isnt telling anyone then when is it going to eat her up? i know what it is like to not say anything and that is why i blog now. i cant keep it bottled up anymore. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON SHE TRUSTS EVERYTHING TO. because that is who she is to me... I WANT TO KNOW WHO SHE LIKES AND WHEN SHE MEETS THEM. I WANT TO KNOW HER PAST. I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. and she wont tell me =/

I'm getting everything taken care of so that i can spend a few weeks back home over the summer. maybe sometime in Seattle with Mady and her dad and then some time in wyoming with my uncle brent riding horses and such.
I'm also getting everything taken care of so that i can raise my GPA so that i can get into the school of my dreams. i'm keeping my lips sealed so that i dont jinx getting in. <33

ugh. larry lohan. i think he was talking about me. i mean the only other mormon i know he knows is angie. and i think she is incapable of doing any wrong. my blog states just about everything. drugs sex bisexualness. i dont care. if he respects me i'll respect him. maliciousness goes no where. and as long as there isnt any shit talking then his blog is entertaining to read. but when it gets maliscious it just gets stupid.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

oh and btw larry

Mormon is MORMON not MORMAN. i have no other choice but to believe that it is me. I know all the mormons from moorpark and none of them have skeletons. If if is me you are talking about then just to let you know I DONT BELIEVE IN MORMONISM AND I WOULD PREFER A DIFFERENT NICKNAME. being called mormon is entirely offensive. and my problems arent skeltons in the closet. if they were in the closet they wouldnt be on here.

I've got a thing for you

You've got a thing for me
You've got my mind made up
You've got my heart you know

YAY for pulling myself out of the academic hole! and YAY for having amazing teachers! I'm relaly sad that Titus is leaving soon...He was such a bomb teacher...and YAY for finally getting my parking permit for the school! I can drive to school now! I've also signed up for my senior classes =]]]

  • French 1010/AP
  • English 12 CP (w/ Harper)
  • Debate 1
  • Adv. Interior Design
  • College Prep Math
  • US Govt (w/ Walker)/ PST whatever the fuck it is. it's something to make up my missing PE credit
  • Drafting 1/ Drafting 2
  • Adv. Marketing/Astronomy
So i'm contented. I love all those classes but im sad that my GPA isnt good enough to be Walker's TA =[ Wayy sad.

I'm taking classes online so that i dont have to do summer school. but i'll still have debate camp in july so cali is gonna be in june. probably later june. but yeah back to online classes. I'm taking English 9 qtr 3&4 and Algebra 1 qtr 1&2. at the moment but im going to sign up for all four qtrs of Algebra 2 and then probably all four qtrs of french 1 just to review. and i still need to take 2nd qtr english 10. EHS has saved my life. no one has any idea

i'm kinda sad because im realizing how little mady tells me. i tell her everything and she tells me nothing. i want to know about her but she wont let me. we are best friends. why cant she say anything to me? what can i do to help her open up? i just feel useless and uninformed.

My brother may have found a job for me. I hope so. Jut a small shit job until May 18th when i turn 17 and can finally work at the buckle. nicole can get me a job if i just fucking turn 17 already.

tyler has been texting and calling. what part of no doesnt he understand? he is seeming so stalkerish and creepy. i hate it.

i had a very intelligent conversation with Stephanie Horrocks and Hillary Wilcocks in Us History today. I didnt know how truely fucked up hillary was but maybe its just a curse of being a hilary haha

Well i better go do some of my online homework.
comments welcome.

i miss you guys. especially brooke at this very moment.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Whenever You Get This Way,

Just getting up for the let down,
Mmm here they come and YES they're here to stay
Just getting up for the let down

Oh I'm here to say that you're the star you wanna be
Just open up and look inside and you will see

I give up on not blogging. i dont give a shit who sees anymore. or what they say about me. i dont care.

California was amazing. no pictures though =/. lots of drugs and alcohol and sex. fun fun fun stuff i must say and im hoping that when i come back for summer vaca that it will be just as fun i missed stephi and samara and cooper and blake and everyone else i randomly saw in the process of seeing everyone else. i cant say i missed ryan haha cause i had never met him but now i miss him and everyone else previously mentioned.
but as much fun as it was, now im fucked in school. im literally failing every class and i have many NG's to make up. Attendance School and Summer School here i come....

God help me..

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

For Stephiiiiii

=] have fun

Sunday, February 8, 2009

You'd be the soundtrack to my life..

no bells no whistles
just you by my side
yeah thats all ill ever need
i found a new heaven
and thats where ill dream

so last night mady invited me to go see her stepbrother preston perform down in provo.
i have never really heard what he did.
and now that i have ill never be the same.
his name is preston but his stage name is parker.
and he does acoustic looping. like go on youtube and look up parker performing at rexburg live.
he is so absolutely amazing!
it was probably the coolest show ill ever go to.
and i felt so cool to be like "hey he is like my brother! that is my best friends brother!"
and it was just so thrilling!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Season 3 of skins is reallly good!!!
i thought it was going to suck so bad cause they threw out everyone from the original cast
besides effy. who i adore.
and i watched the two episodes they have out so far.
and i was blown away.
its like a different show but in a good way ya know?
i'm happy to know i can still indulge myself in a little mischievous britishness once in a while =]

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

hell is around the corner.

here i shelter.
isms and schisms, we're living a skelter
if you believe i'll deceive
and common sense says you are the thief
let me take you down the corridors.

when we first met i felt like cassie did when she liked sid in the beginning of skins. obsessive. paranoid. ridiculous. and many other words...

but the longer we talked and became closer and eventually got together and i grew up a little we became more like michelle and tony. closely connected. but one of us always needs to have something else when our relationship actually hits a good time for too long.
but now that i had my time away and im ready to come back. you dont want to break her heart. what happened to the boy who was like tony....the heartless one.

why arent you coming back?

Calling All Cars,

We've got another victim
cause my HIS love has become an affliction

If tyler fucking texts me or comments me again im going to fucking drive to tooele and punch him in his lovely fucking face.



I feel much better now. ..

i'm excited for cali in one week =]]]]]
love love love love love love love steph and ryan

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Three Sleepless Nights, This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be...

but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
and i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
and i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me
but your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me
But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes)
(i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever)
and i thought that you said things were improving
these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away.
(laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say...)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be... )
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends )
how can you take all these days?
(what is inside of me, what have i done?)
and throw them away
(is this the only way that you'll notice me?)
as i sit here waiting for you (for you)
(dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
i stay up nights
(if you're still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can't you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(one side your side, can take away)

Today was good int he beginning. i woke up. went to the first hour of church as my mother and i's agreement states. and then i went and picked up mady. her front door is always unlocked. so i walked in, her church starts an hour later than mine and her parents had just left and she was in the shower. so i go in the basement and knock on the door (which is locked) and she says "Eli just leave without me!" and im like "You stupid whore! it's Hilary you cunt." and she's like "HILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!" and unlocked the door so then i talked to her for a min and then i went to raid her jeans because my mom is going to help me make them into straight leg jeans cause mady doesnt evn wear her jeans anyways and i hate flares. so i have at least like 6 pairs of new pants that will soon be acceptable to wear =] yay! i needed new jeans. but yeah then mady got dressed and we went to the store to buy stuff that my mom asked me to buy. and then we came back to my house and looked at all of our pictures from last night which i will put a few up so you can all see our fun day and night of epicness. but yeah then we hopped in the car and i took her home so she could beat her parents coming home from church. and we get to the corner near her house and her mom's van is outside. and im like OH SHIT GET OUT OF MY CAR. and she starts getting out when her mom comes outside. and like OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT and i put it in reverse and go around the corner. her mom didnt see a thing lol. =] im talented at sneaky sneaky. even though that really wasnt all that sneaky. =P So then later mady walked to my house and we hung out. i did her make up. i gave her barbie pink and white instead of green and teal like last night. and i did White and Black with crisscrossness. which hopefully i can take a picture of. it was pretty cool. then tyler starts texting me. and by the way we talked and decided we dont want to be together anymore cause he moved. =]. but he was texting me and he's like im in town watching the superbowl can i come over? and im like whatever. and hes like ok im coming. so mady and i are just sitting here watching youtube videos and we open the door for him and i give him a hug. im trying to be nice cause i care about him and stuff. and he sits down and he starts talking to me about his new job and some new girls he's met down in tooele right in the middle of the video mady and i were avidly watching. mady and i both just kinda got really pissy.. and we got up to go make our ice cream sandwiches that we needed to make before her mom came and tyler keeps talking. then all the sudden he's like "im going to go. bye." and walks out of my house gets in his car and leaves. and mady and i just look at each other and are like WHAT THE FUCK? then i texted him and said "i really dont know what your problem is or why you have changed so much but im really sick of it. I told you we were watching videos and you came over knowing that." and he said something along the lines of "you didnt care i was there and i was hella bored" "i did care but im not going to drop everything to ask you about your move and we were watching a video you can ask mady. you've changed. you used to be chill but now you are just really dramatic." then he said that he was sorry and that just to give him one more chance at being friends. he's been really stressed with the move etc. and i told him to give me some space cause i care about him but he really pissed me off.

i feel better now that i've typed that out but at the same time now i have another boy to think about. cooper has reverted. i had him so trained to actually pick up his phone and to call me and to text me back and he once again has gone back to the way he was when i first met him, never picking up his phone. and it still hurts just as bad as it used to =/ i mean it really wouldn't hurt him if he called back or even just called me once in a while. but he never does. was training him in the first place just a waste of time? i feel slightly abandoned by him once again. and it sucks. if he doesnt call me or text me soon then he isnt going to see me when i come to visit. as heartbreaking as that would be to me. =/ does he even care anymore? i dont know. he wont say a word.

my blogs always seem to have an overemotional lean to them dont they? maybe its cause i dont blog about more of the good happy things that happen? one day ill get the hang of it. one day.

Madykins and I looking all trippy and fun

i was really upset i didnt know what it did....