What Hilamonster Says

Tis the life of an anti-social

2010-03-09T12:35:00.003-07:00

Because of the movie P.S. I love you, i have been terribly sick. remind me to not cry for long periods of time because it is negative to my health. among other things. many things are really not good for my health. but since when has something being bad for me ever stopped me from doing anything. it doesnt.

so lets continue from where i left off. Padme. Chubaka. they are in their bliss. whatever. i got fied so everything between padme and i fell apart. i knew it would. im moving back to my home this summer so anything that happens out here shouldnt really matter to me although most of the time i cant help what matters to me and not.

diggory and cho. well i confessed my everlasting love for diggory and i got rejected. because he is still in love with cho. it is pathetic and sad but i did it. now everytime i see either of them i get an interesting feeling that i really screwed up by saying anything. and i know that really isnt fair of me to say because really, why should i keep things bottled up. but still. maybe i really shouldnt have said anything. if only i had that kind of filter on my brain, i would probably be a lot better off.

freddy. now that was a fail. this should teach me for finding interest in older guys, and to tell you the truth, it is not even that they break my heart. because i break theirs. i have done a great job at pushing myself away from him. just because the chase was over. he was too easy of a catch. my game was over much too quickly for my own liking. i stopped liking him. he was getting on my nerves.

my burst of blogging energy has just ended. sadly. i wanted to say more. get more off my chest. but its just not working that way.

hmm another nameless post.

2010-02-10T19:04:00.002-07:00

Padme and i had our chance and it failed miserably. then since i have last posted there are diggory and cho. yes i really went from starwars to Harry potter GOF. but unlike padme and chubaka i only like diggory. and cho is in the way. and unlike the really story line they are both in love with each other. but its been so long since they broke up. cho needs harry and i need diggory. damn it. then there is freddy. bringing in another series of names. freddy has been a part of my life for a while and i didnt really realize it. he has always been on the sidelines. a part of my life i couldnt see but this weekend he really brought himself into my life and i dont know how i feel about it. he is sweet and nice and attractive but i dont know how i feel about it quite yet. plus an age difference. so i really dont know. plus the three boys in TSA. i dont know how to feel about them all. i am just ughh. and that is all here. dont get me started on who i have back home.

so it all started with...

2009-12-29T22:37:00.002-07:00

chubaka. yes chubaka. i liked chubaka and through my attempts to get chubaka i fell for padme. chubaka and padme had a thing going on and i fell for both of them. at first it was just physical attraction. by the way both chubaka and padme are older than me. by a lot. in their twenties but still quite a bit older. i was hoping maybe to just spend time with both of them. that nots how it went. chubaka didnt want anything to do with me because of my age. but padme still wanted me. about a week or two went by and padme and i got much much closer. we spent a weekend together. after the weekend she stopped talking to me. i didnt know what i had done. turns out padme is in love with chubaka. here's the thing though. chubaka is moving away. far away. states away. and chubaka is a loner type. i know she is going to get hurt. i dont want to have to pick up the pieces of pretty padme but if i have to i will. but who is going to pick up the pieces of me until then?

trouble

2009-12-14T22:48:00.003-07:00

i need to start blogging more often.
i dig this guy at work and its driving me nuts dude

i do believe.

2009-08-14T01:54:00.003-06:00

that it has been way too long since i last posted a blog.
what reason has there been to though?
things have been nuts. in both good and bad ways.
i've been spending almost everyday up damn butterfield canyon with slack and cody and doughboy.
watching the meteor shower. starting fires etc etc.

I'm trying so hard to focus on my packets. and ughh its so difficult to concentrate when there are much better things to watch on tv.
but i must graduate. i must must must must. i have way too many people coming for my graduation to not graduate. and if i didn't. i dont know what i would do with myself.

so um. mady is at boarding school. havent talked to her in over a month. its weird. but i think after spending 3 weeks living with her. our friendship kinda fell apart. i just wish i knew how to get ahold of her so i can tell her how much she still means to me.

i've got my new school schedule =]

french AP
drafting
foods
humanities 1100 (pretty much art history)
us gov. (with the coolest teacher in the world! MR. WALKER =])
english 12 CP
auto 1
adv. interior design.

and that is just first semester haha i still have 2 holes in my second semester schedule. so we will see just how much more difficult it can get. this year should be interesting. i dont know what is going to happen with all my friends that i've been hanging out with cause all of them are older and have graduated. =/ i'm sure it will be fine though. once i have a car and all. which i believe tonight slack and i found the perfect car for me =] 2003 mitsubishi eclipse. its a pearly white. and it's automatic. thank god haha. i love slack he's so funny. first we went to the gas station to get drinks and food. then we cruised around for a little bit and then i mentioned having to go look at cars within the next few weeks and we just went straight over to the used car lots down on 10600S. and we walked around. opened up all the cash for clunkers cars and looked at all the kinds of shit that people just left in them. then we were walking by these really cool balloons which are really just like beach balls attached to polls and we tried to get one off but we couldnt. then we noticed a blue one on the ground. slack got it before i did. but as we started walking back to the car (after i got nailed in the face with the sprinklers) i noticed a shiny raspberry colored one pretty close to the car so i booked it grabbed it and ran back to the car. we put them in the trunk and drove off =] i love the adventures my friends and i have =]].

i go back to the hospital for another MRI on the 25th. wish me luck ok?

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
...i'll keep them still...

I will never be afraid again.

2009-06-07T12:08:00.003-06:00

I will keep on fighting 'till the end.
I can water walk on water, I can fly.
I will keep on fighting 'till I die

Sooo. it's been way too long since i posted.
I've been going through a massive manic/depressive period. i never know how i'm going to feel.
since i last posted. on my birthday haha.
i had a bonfire for my birthday. haha pretty much everyone was either tripping on shrooms or stoned. with the exception of my cowboy friends. they just sat there and ate the pizza =] it was pretty damn chill. i received two cartons of camel filters. which i have promptly fully used up.
then like for the last month or so i have gotten really close to my friend Tim <33 love him to death he is like my big brother =] him and cody =] after hanging out everyday for the last month Tim left for Iowa for a few weeks and i probably won't see him till i come back from cali =[ it's gonna be hell to not see my big brother for that long =[ and cody is in cali currently san diego area. but he'll be back friday. and then i leave for cali on Saturday =]] yayzorss California Summer for exactly 3 weeks =] I'm going to be living with my dad the entire time though =[ and i still hate my dad. but i didnt know of any other place that would accommodate me aaand my bestie mady for 3 weeks. ol'well. just have to be more careful about who sees me doing what.
pluss i get to drive the beast haha. it shall be an adventure =]

ughh so many make up credits that i have to finish this summer =[ sadnessesssesss. i'll be able to do though =] i believe in myself. today haha

its my birthday...

2009-05-18T10:42:00.002-06:00

and i feel so sick. i came home from school cause i felt so bad.
i dont know why.

happy seventeenth to me.

2009-04-16T21:32:00.001-06:00

i really love how my behavioral science teacher has a blog spot just to put homework and what we did that day on. it makes me very happy thank god for mr.andrus.

i got a 26 on my first try of the act =] im pretty proud of myself =]] mady got a 16 =[ she should have studied with me but there were always better things to do =[

...

2009-04-04T16:51:00.001-06:00

My cat kirra has disappeared. i dont know what to do...she was the best cat ever. we can't find her...she had a tag but it has an outdated phone number on it.

I want her back...now.

Like honestly?

2009-04-01T23:04:00.003-06:00

i'm i only here for you to amuse yourself when you want me?
because thats not right.
i'm not going to sit around waiting for you to call, when you never do.
i have plans. i have a life.
why is it your plans? your life?
and how come when i call you never answer but if you call me i should always have to answer.
its not fair.
the only reason you talk sweet to me occasionally is because you know that one day
NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU and maybe if you are lucky you can sweet talk me into taking care of your fucked up self.
you know ill stay by you because i promised that.
and you are using it against me.
YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE.
YOU DONT HAVE A CLUE.
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO FEEL LIKE I FEEL WHEN I DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT.
you dont know what its like to feel useless everytime you promise to call back and you never do.
when you drag me along to hang out with your friends when i just want to see you.
A long time ago you promised that there would never be a night where i didnt hear a goodnight from you. BULL FUCKING SHIT. you havent called in over two weeks but i still call you once a day. all i get is one measly text message saying "i love u" which doesnt count to me because you couldnt put just two more fucking letters in. is it that damn hard to say "I Love You"? is it that hard to call once a day? no it's not. you are busy but being that busy is complete bullshit.

FUCK YOU.

Poisson D'avril.

2009-04-01T17:32:00.002-06:00

oh fantasticness of french club =]
for the wonderful april fish day we played a game of gotcha all around the school...during school.
it was crazy.
there were four teams. and you were only allowed to get people during lunch or passing periods.
it was crazy to say the least. if you think moorpark was crowded you are insane because bingham is at least 3 times more crowded. I got fished 6 times.... and i attemped to chase after both abbey and erica. it sucked. im not a runner oh and i got chased into my Quantitative analysis class by kabrina. im suprised i didnt trip over all of the desks but i got fished by her. it was intersting and i got a lot of exercise hahahahah. and first prize was a baskin robbins cake that i designed with mady's help. and we gave up on trying to figure out who the winner was so we all just shared the cake (with fishie decorations) and the swedish fish and the goldfish crackers and we had a bon poisson d'avril fete! and to add to the entertainment poor sick nicolas bennett was there with me like the entire time. poor kid needs some sleep but he had work. =[ sad day for nickface.

Now that i've lost everything to you

2009-03-29T00:21:00.002-06:00

You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.

skins season 3 is over and it's very sad how much i have come to love that show. what am i supposed to do every friday morning until season 4 comes out? who knows??

school is sucking majorly. i dont know what to do.

everyday i find myself being able to concentrate less and less. i dont know if its early senoritis or if it's because of my MS? i really dont. i dont want to go back to the doctor though...it's such an easy disease to forget about until it acts up again. and i just really hope that it isnt acting up again.

last week jordan was here. it was fun. prom and all. we spent a lot of time down in sugar house. and i really hope that for the short while im here this summer that i can spend some time down there with mady. its really an awesome place. there are a lot of things that i want to do this summer. but if i want to get a job. i dont think i can. mady and i were planning to go to moorpark for a few weeks. and then i have debate camp for like a week and a half in july. then i wanted to go to wyoming and stay with uncle bruce for a weekend or two. but if i get a job....i dont think i can....

there are auditions for Music Man coming up soon. i think i might try it. mady's mom is the director. so if i didnt make it. i could do tech for it. ii dont know though... that part of my life is pretty much over...

idk...
i need to go take out my contacts. ttyl

today was mason's birthday party =]

2009-03-15T22:35:00.001-06:00

aww my little baby nephew turned 2 yesterday =]]
he is the cutest little boy ever....
i miss him sooo much.
it was at chuck e cheese haha and my mom and i got over 1200 tickets from playing the games =]]]]]

then mady and i went and bought hair dye. which im currently doing now.
gotta look good for prom =]

I'm in mucho pain.

2009-03-11T13:27:00.002-06:00

Every morning i keep waking up so tired and i convince my mom to let me sleep in.
not good not good.
today i told her that i need to stay home. and i did.
i sleep until like 10 or 11 and then i got up and started working on my homework.
i'm about to go take a bath because my entire body is aching and i dont know why =[
oh and yesterday i got punched in the nose by a 7 year old with major issues.
yeah. yay for life at the moment...

marionette dangling on the strings of someone elses every day

2009-03-10T20:57:00.003-06:00

ummm. ok.

mady and i are in a bit of a rough patch hopefully it smooths out. i dont know. she is sick of me there is no way around it. maybe she just needs her space. im sure she does.

natalie came over tonight. it was nice. i missed her. her and i are very alike.

nick is amazing. love love love him to death. mady tells him more than she tells me... it hurts like fuck. but whatever. haha nick and i were talking about how perfect we are for each other and like it sucks that we just barely got so close cause now we are both in complicated relationship type things yesterday. it was a very interesting conversation.

i have a story to write. its about a girl. who overdoes on a park bench and dreams that she is like back in marie antoinettes era. yeahhh

A Lot Of Tempest In A Pot Of Tea...

2009-03-08T10:18:00.002-06:00

i really hate the original broadway cast of oklahoma. so fake. but i couldnt find the london cast. =/
so now i switched to listening to J Holiday. fun fun

so yeahh. if people thought my relationship with jordan was bad they should meet natalie and alex. natalie is like one of my best friends and well she cant get over alex and im scared that if she doesnt let go the relationship will get violent. he treats her like shit 24/7. she doent even know why she loves him. i asked her to give me a couple reasons why she loves him and she couldnt even give me one. at least i can find a few logical reasons why i love jordan...i dont know im just worried about her.

MADY IS OFFICIALLY DONE WITH DEBATE NOWWW!!

yay!! i missed her and now we can hang out a lot more <33 i love madison jill smith

Why is it...

2009-03-06T21:21:00.002-07:00

That the days when i have unrestricted car access that NO ONE can hang out?
mady is at state.
natalie is babysitting
charlie,george, leonard, and reid and all with zac who i still refuse to talk to.
and other than that im pretty POed at everyone else.

grrr. from amazing to shit.
i just love my life.

got my toes does today which was good. didnt see nick at all which was sad. and today has just been really weird.

i guess bridger is gonna come over but i dont know what we are going to do. =/

Today ah lovely today

2009-03-04T22:17:00.003-07:00

I saw this yesterday on livejournal secret and im like. hmm. maybe that is just what i need. and guess what! i had an awesome day today!! =]=]=]=] overall it was a good day but the best part was when i went to visit mady at work. a lot of throwing people in the freezer and turning the lights on and off. the most spectacular of these events was when nick shut mady in the freezer. and just to tell you mady i scared of the dark haha. so im flipping the lights on and off and she is freaking out so then i go inside to console her because she is scared out of her mind. i knew he was going to shut us in there and he did haha he started flipping on and off the lights and mady recommenced her freaking out and so i tried opening the door and he was blocking it so then i promptly started making moaning noises and telling mady to "stop it that tickles" nick automatically opens the door haha and we ambush him. thats only the half of it. but im tired and i dont want to type. but today was a great day. i needed it. <3333

One day

2009-03-03T21:00:00.002-07:00

I'm going to go and you wont be able to get me to come back.
one day.
one day im going to show the whole world what a fucking douche bag you are. just you wait.
just you fucking wait.

i feel like singing sad songs all night

2009-03-02T21:12:00.002-07:00

I feel like tuning you out
But you want to make it into more of a fight
Is this yelling what love's all about?

So go on, and tear me apart
Yeah just go on, aim straight for my chest
And maybe it's mostly my fault
'Cause if I'm the only girl you've ever had, I guess I can't be the best
I can't be the best

once again i state that some song are just perfect for how you feel.

these last 2 days have been the worst days in a long time.
i need something new to focus on.

Yesterday was Inspirational.

2009-03-01T10:56:00.002-07:00

Watch this video First

That is what Buttars-Palooza is and i went with my friend Alexis yesterday. It was AMAZING!!!!
like its hard to even describe the feeling of being around so many people that love you without even knowing you. and jeez there were so many dogs there haha some of the cutest little puppies i've ever seen. but it was just an amazing thing. All the really good picturss that i took are on my deviant art
http://unexpected-lies.deviantart.com/

Watching Skins

2009-02-27T22:29:00.002-07:00

Is probably not good for my health.

it aggravates me excites me depresses me and makes me happy all at the same time.
it makes me want to smoke a joint or two and have sex with every hot guy or girl on the street.
(which of course my morals and heart would never let me commit the latter)
it makes me want to find new friends and party every night.
it makes me want to dress differently.
it makes me want to move to bristol.
(which i will do one day anyways)
it makes me want to fall in love.
it makes me want to not be scared of what anyone thinks.

lately things have been good academically and decent in general. california helped a lot with my motivation. I miss Mady though. she is at debate every weekend and i feel our relationship slipping through my fingers. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND. but i dont think im hers. I TELL HER EVERYTHING. and she really doesnt tell me anything. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL. PICK HER UP FROM ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME. I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR HER. ALL I WANT TO DO IS PROTECT HER. But. She just wants me to live my life. I dont know if she would take a bullet for me. and the only reason we see each other is because i call her and arrange it or i come wake her up or etc. Her birthday is less than a month away and i know what im going to get her. i hope she likes it and takes it serious. I dont want to say what it is incase of the off chance she actually logs onto blogger between now and then. unlikely but still relatively possible. but im just scared i suppose. if she wont tell me about her life then who is she telling? and if she isnt telling anyone then when is it going to eat her up? i know what it is like to not say anything and that is why i blog now. i cant keep it bottled up anymore. I WANT TO BE THE PERSON SHE TRUSTS EVERYTHING TO. because that is who she is to me... I WANT TO KNOW WHO SHE LIKES AND WHEN SHE MEETS THEM. I WANT TO KNOW HER PAST. I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. and she wont tell me =/

I'm getting everything taken care of so that i can spend a few weeks back home over the summer. maybe sometime in Seattle with Mady and her dad and then some time in wyoming with my uncle brent riding horses and such.
I'm also getting everything taken care of so that i can raise my GPA so that i can get into the school of my dreams. i'm keeping my lips sealed so that i dont jinx getting in. <33

ugh. larry lohan. i think he was talking about me. i mean the only other mormon i know he knows is angie. and i think she is incapable of doing any wrong. my blog states just about everything. drugs sex bisexualness. i dont care. if he respects me i'll respect him. maliciousness goes no where. and as long as there isnt any shit talking then his blog is entertaining to read. but when it gets maliscious it just gets stupid.

oh and btw larry

2009-02-26T22:42:00.002-07:00

Mormon is MORMON not MORMAN. i have no other choice but to believe that it is me. I know all the mormons from moorpark and none of them have skeletons. If if is me you are talking about then just to let you know I DONT BELIEVE IN MORMONISM AND I WOULD PREFER A DIFFERENT NICKNAME. being called mormon is entirely offensive. and my problems arent skeltons in the closet. if they were in the closet they wouldnt be on here.

I've got a thing for you

2009-02-26T22:09:00.002-07:00

You've got a thing for me
You've got my mind made up
You've got my heart you know

YAY for pulling myself out of the academic hole! and YAY for having amazing teachers! I'm relaly sad that Titus is leaving soon...He was such a bomb teacher...and YAY for finally getting my parking permit for the school! I can drive to school now! I've also signed up for my senior classes =]]]

French 1010/AP
English 12 CP (w/ Harper)
Debate 1
Adv. Interior Design
College Prep Math
US Govt (w/ Walker)/ PST whatever the fuck it is. it's something to make up my missing PE credit
Drafting 1/ Drafting 2
Adv. Marketing/Astronomy

So i'm contented. I love all those classes but im sad that my GPA isnt good enough to be Walker's TA =[ Wayy sad.

I'm taking classes online so that i dont have to do summer school. but i'll still have debate camp in july so cali is gonna be in june. probably later june. but yeah back to online classes. I'm taking English 9 qtr 3&4 and Algebra 1 qtr 1&2. at the moment but im going to sign up for all four qtrs of Algebra 2 and then probably all four qtrs of french 1 just to review. and i still need to take 2nd qtr english 10. EHS has saved my life. no one has any idea

i'm kinda sad because im realizing how little mady tells me. i tell her everything and she tells me nothing. i want to know about her but she wont let me. we are best friends. why cant she say anything to me? what can i do to help her open up? i just feel useless and uninformed.

My brother may have found a job for me. I hope so. Jut a small shit job until May 18th when i turn 17 and can finally work at the buckle. nicole can get me a job if i just fucking turn 17 already.

tyler has been texting and calling. what part of no doesnt he understand? he is seeming so stalkerish and creepy. i hate it.

i had a very intelligent conversation with Stephanie Horrocks and Hillary Wilcocks in Us History today. I didnt know how truely fucked up hillary was but maybe its just a curse of being a hilary haha

Well i better go do some of my online homework.
comments welcome.

i miss you guys. especially brooke at this very moment.

Whenever You Get This Way,

2009-02-22T23:05:00.002-07:00

Just getting up for the let down,
Mmm here they come and YES they're here to stay
Just getting up for the let down

Oh I'm here to say that you're the star you wanna be
Just open up and look inside and you will see

I give up on not blogging. i dont give a shit who sees anymore. or what they say about me. i dont care.

California was amazing. no pictures though =/. lots of drugs and alcohol and sex. fun fun fun stuff i must say and im hoping that when i come back for summer vaca that it will be just as fun i missed stephi and samara and cooper and blake and everyone else i randomly saw in the process of seeing everyone else. i cant say i missed ryan haha cause i had never met him but now i miss him and everyone else previously mentioned.
but as much fun as it was, now im fucked in school. im literally failing every class and i have many NG's to make up. Attendance School and Summer School here i come....

God help me..

For Stephiiiiii

2009-02-11T01:35:00.001-07:00

http://www.kittyhell.com/

=] have fun

You'd be the soundtrack to my life..

2009-02-08T12:27:00.002-07:00

no bells no whistles
just you by my side
yeah thats all ill ever need
i found a new heaven
and thats where ill dream

so last night mady invited me to go see her stepbrother preston perform down in provo.
i have never really heard what he did.
and now that i have ill never be the same.
his name is preston but his stage name is parker.
and he does acoustic looping. like go on youtube and look up parker performing at rexburg live.
he is so absolutely amazing!
it was probably the coolest show ill ever go to.
and i felt so cool to be like "hey he is like my brother! that is my best friends brother!"
and it was just so thrilling!!
I LOVE PARKER!!

zomgggg

2009-02-04T20:50:00.003-07:00

Season 3 of skins is reallly good!!!
i thought it was going to suck so bad cause they threw out everyone from the original cast
besides effy. who i adore.
and i watched the two episodes they have out so far.
and i was blown away.
its like a different show but in a good way ya know?
i'm happy to know i can still indulge myself in a little mischievous britishness once in a while =]

hell is around the corner.

2009-02-03T21:17:00.003-07:00

here i shelter.
isms and schisms, we're living a skelter
if you believe i'll deceive
and common sense says you are the thief
let me take you down the corridors.

when we first met i felt like cassie did when she liked sid in the beginning of skins. obsessive. paranoid. ridiculous. and many other words...

but the longer we talked and became closer and eventually got together and i grew up a little we became more like michelle and tony. closely connected. but one of us always needs to have something else when our relationship actually hits a good time for too long.
but now that i had my time away and im ready to come back. you dont want to break her heart. what happened to the boy who was like tony....the heartless one.

why arent you coming back?

Calling All Cars,

2009-02-03T08:20:00.002-07:00

We've got another victim
cause my HIS love has become an affliction

If tyler fucking texts me or comments me again im going to fucking drive to tooele and punch him in his lovely fucking face.

SPACE MEANS SPACE! SPACE DOES NOT MEAN COMMENT ME AND TEXT ME EVERYDAY!!!!!!!

TYLER FUCK OFF!!

I feel much better now. ..

i'm excited for cali in one week =]]]]]
love love love love love love love steph and ryan

Three Sleepless Nights, This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be...

2009-02-01T19:03:00.007-07:00

but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
and i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
and i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me
but your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me
But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes)
(i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever)
and i thought that you said things were improving
these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away.
(laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say...)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be... )
i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends )
how can you take all these days?
(what is inside of me, what have i done?)
and throw them away
(is this the only way that you'll notice me?)
as i sit here waiting for you (for you)
(dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
i stay up nights
(if you're still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can't you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(one side your side, can take away)

Today was good int he beginning. i woke up. went to the first hour of church as my mother and i's agreement states. and then i went and picked up mady. her front door is always unlocked. so i walked in, her church starts an hour later than mine and her parents had just left and she was in the shower. so i go in the basement and knock on the door (which is locked) and she says "Eli just leave without me!" and im like "You stupid whore! it's Hilary you cunt." and she's like "HILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!" and unlocked the door so then i talked to her for a min and then i went to raid her jeans because my mom is going to help me make them into straight leg jeans cause mady doesnt evn wear her jeans anyways and i hate flares. so i have at least like 6 pairs of new pants that will soon be acceptable to wear =] yay! i needed new jeans. but yeah then mady got dressed and we went to the store to buy stuff that my mom asked me to buy. and then we came back to my house and looked at all of our pictures from last night which i will put a few up so you can all see our fun day and night of epicness. but yeah then we hopped in the car and i took her home so she could beat her parents coming home from church. and we get to the corner near her house and her mom's van is outside. and im like OH SHIT GET OUT OF MY CAR. and she starts getting out when her mom comes outside. and like OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT and i put it in reverse and go around the corner. her mom didnt see a thing lol. =] im talented at sneaky sneaky. even though that really wasnt all that sneaky. =P So then later mady walked to my house and we hung out. i did her make up. i gave her barbie pink and white instead of green and teal like last night. and i did White and Black with crisscrossness. which hopefully i can take a picture of. it was pretty cool. then tyler starts texting me. and by the way we talked and decided we dont want to be together anymore cause he moved. =]. but he was texting me and he's like im in town watching the superbowl can i come over? and im like whatever. and hes like ok im coming. so mady and i are just sitting here watching youtube videos and we open the door for him and i give him a hug. im trying to be nice cause i care about him and stuff. and he sits down and he starts talking to me about his new job and some new girls he's met down in tooele right in the middle of the video mady and i were avidly watching. mady and i both just kinda got really pissy.. and we got up to go make our ice cream sandwiches that we needed to make before her mom came and tyler keeps talking. then all the sudden he's like "im going to go. bye." and walks out of my house gets in his car and leaves. and mady and i just look at each other and are like WHAT THE FUCK? then i texted him and said "i really dont know what your problem is or why you have changed so much but im really sick of it. I told you we were watching videos and you came over knowing that." and he said something along the lines of "you didnt care i was there and i was hella bored" "i did care but im not going to drop everything to ask you about your move and we were watching a video you can ask mady. you've changed. you used to be chill but now you are just really dramatic." then he said that he was sorry and that just to give him one more chance at being friends. he's been really stressed with the move etc. and i told him to give me some space cause i care about him but he really pissed me off.

i feel better now that i've typed that out but at the same time now i have another boy to think about. cooper has reverted. i had him so trained to actually pick up his phone and to call me and to text me back and he once again has gone back to the way he was when i first met him, never picking up his phone. and it still hurts just as bad as it used to =/ i mean it really wouldn't hurt him if he called back or even just called me once in a while. but he never does. was training him in the first place just a waste of time? i feel slightly abandoned by him once again. and it sucks. if he doesnt call me or text me soon then he isnt going to see me when i come to visit. as heartbreaking as that would be to me. =/ does he even care anymore? i dont know. he wont say a word.

my blogs always seem to have an overemotional lean to them dont they? maybe its cause i dont blog about more of the good happy things that happen? one day ill get the hang of it. one day.

Madykins and I looking all trippy and fun

i was really upset i didnt know what it did....

i've decided

2009-01-30T22:21:00.002-07:00

i have no life.........

tyler has officially moved back in with his dad and stepmom in tooele. i feel kinda bad that i was so happy. but then i also realized that my social life has gone down the toilet since i was sick. and im kinda really sad that mady is being a master-debater (masturbater) all this weekend. maybe i should join debate next year? i dunnoo. i dont think i could deal with carol as a coach.

oh and i just spent forever watching the videos of allie and kellen. cause it was ridiculously funny and i really have nothing better to do. so yeah. i have no lifee.

its pretty much 11 days till i come home for 6 days. =] im happy happy happy. lots of fun things. lots of lovin.

ok back to tyler. he just called to tell me he's lonely. i feel bad cause i dont care. he went from being way chill to way obsessive and clingy and i hate it. hate it hate it hate it.

and i really like my profile song on myspace. go check it out. its not all in spanish i promise although a lot of it is but its good =]it makes me wanna dance with a boy.

i think im done for now. sleepy times? i think sooo.
still havent written my history essay or read my 8 chapters in Frankenstein or in the scarlet letter or any of the fantastical things i should have done with my day off of life today

we've run out of words. we've run out of time

2009-01-29T17:38:00.004-07:00

We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
~~Girl~~ BOY you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear ~~girl~~ BOY it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

i dont know what to say to tyler. he's been acting so different and i know its because he is "jealous" of cooper now. even though he promised. he promised that he wouldnt. he promised he wouldnt fall in love with me. he promised. and now you can tell he is. its frustrating. i care about him. but i dont want it. i dont want it anymore. it got too serious for me.

i want to go home. home home. not 10983 sunup way but 7185 pecan ave. my real home.

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.

2009-01-26T19:52:00.004-07:00

I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.

And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my existence
Is laying here in front of me.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go

And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side

Some songs are just too perfect for how you feel.

im supposed to be writing my essay
but i dont wanna.... *stamps feet and throws a hissy fit*
im just kidding. im a mature 16 year old i wouldnt do thatttt
.........

next two weeks need to go by fast.
everything i want is waiting for me in lovely southern california.
ryan and stephi and cooper and molly and just everything.
i want to come back for good.
but as magical as it would be.
i couldnt live with my dad.
i could technically move back.
but its not worth it if i have to live with keenan.
i couldnt do it
i would go insane

ive told a couple people this. that my one really big problem with moving was that now graduating is just a ceremony to tell me that i didnt fail. if i hadnt moved. it would be more of an accomplishment. it would mean so much more to me. i want to graduate with the people i grew up with my entire life. the people that have seen me through all my awkward stages and all my ridiculous moments. ever since my brother graduated moorpark its always been like just something engraved in my mind. "follow in tory's footsteps. he knows what he's doing" to graduate moorpark high school was alwasy a kind of expectation and now that its gone. graduating really doesnt mean anything to me. graduating isnt supposed to just mean "hey look you got good grades hurray" its a celebration of making it through all the shit. all the years. all the little fights with your best friends all the broken hearts and all the anxiety of trying to get good grades on top of that. and i mean yeah im going through that here at bingham but it just feels like half of it is missing. ya know?

god damn it everyone in utah is getting married. first it was melody then it was my cousin maren and now shanna is getting married. jeezzzz how many weddings can one girl go to in a season? im not complaining though =] i like getting all dressed up and take lots of pictures =]

oh oh oh and my friend dani from eighth grade had a freaking baby! she is what 17? but she looks happy and her baby is absolutely gorgeous.

in the sea there is a fish, a fish that has a secret wish, a wish to be a big cactus

2009-01-25T00:50:00.006-07:00

with a pink flower on it
And the flower
Would be its offering
Of love to the desert.
And the desert,
So dry and lonely,
That the critters all
Appreciate the effort

Et le jackalope a dit
Je voudrais être un yeti
Pour voler dans la nuit
Et m'en aller loin d'ici
Mais le yeti a dit
Je voudrais être un monstre marin
Pour pouvoir rentrer dans la mer
De tous les requins

i love juno
ive had multiple comments about the similarities in our personalities lol
......I wish i were more like her.
or at least i wish i looked like ellen page. shes gorgeous
i think im in love

the cold airs coming to take its place. you see it comin so embrace

2009-01-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

And this is the coldest night of them all
The rain will freeze and snow will fall
To the ground, I'm falling down
I'm stuck here for another day

it is 2 in the morning.
a very ungodly hour to be up at.
tyler is down stairs on the couch.
and im cool with that
i feel like being alone right now.
although if mady were here that would be fantastic

so ive decided that some deity in heaven hates me.
after being house ridden for 2 weeks because of my MS treatment,
i woke up wednesday morning with a lovely bout of pink eye
in both eyes...
someone never wants me to go back to school
not coooool.

i dont think i have ever met anyone in my entire life with more boy drama than me lol
despite having a lovely boyfriend
my relationship with jordan cooper still excels into utter chaos.
tyler knows all about it and perhaps that is why i like him so much
tyler knows i love jordan much more than him and tyler knows that he will probably love someone more than me. but we are taking care of each other in the mean time. and that is why we work.

rawrzorss.
then there is my girl drama. and just for all of you reading my blog that didnt already know this yes i am bisexual. and proud of it. i think that i have the possiblity of finding love in both genders. yep yep.
so yeah for this lovely new semester. i have a class with taylor. i have the biggest crush on this girl. have since world history last year. she knows it too. and now that i have a boyfriend i think that she is starting to have feelings for me again.
i love her timing.

there are a lot of things i want to say.
but i feel like im 10. i feel like im complaining about everything.
to be honest i am so thankful right now though.
i have the most amazing support system.
Out here in SoJo and Back home in Moorpark.
Hell even Choate in Oklahoma.
=]
i have the most amazing friends
and i just want to thank everyone who was there for me when i was in the hospital and when i was bored out of my mind sitting at home these last few weeks.
thank you thank you thank you.

fuck. i need to call blue fish sushi. i hope they are still hiring lol. i need a job haha i need to get some money so i can come visit everyone. <333333333333333333333333

we love you conrad oh yes we do

2009-01-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

so ty and i are sitting here watching bye bye birdie =]
i love this musical.
reminds me of 8th grade and tonya and jeremy and just everyone
choir theatre etc.

i think im driving tyler insane by singing everything but i dont care =]
he loves me anyway
rawrrs

oohhh and i got my laptop =]]]]]
i use it 24/7
im wasting away my brain with it

im caught in the streams of yesterdays dreams and all i can say is i'm sorry

2009-01-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

i really dont feel like going to school today.
i couldnt sleep.
im not tired.
im drained though.
my head is splitting in two.
i have an essay due in less than an hour that i didnt even start. and im not going to.
i have a test in 3 hours that i missed all the material on and havent quite brought myself up to speed on.
then i have 2 more tests that i havent begun consider.
and i dont care about any of them.
im not going to take them.
even if it means me failing.
i dont care

i cant fucking do it
i cant fucking do any of it.

fucking hopeless.

so here we go.

2009-01-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

i feel like its been a million years since i posted.
tyler and i are happy.
he is adorable i am adorable and we are adorable together.
we couldnt have picked a better time.

starting last friday i started feeling really weird.
headaches, my eyes wouldnt focus, nausea.
i just htought i was still getting over being sick.
well sunday night it kept getting worse so we took bobby to the airport after his 5 day stay with us [which was amazing to say the least]
and my mom, mady, tyler and i went to the instacare in riverton.
they took one look at me and told me i should go to the emergency room over at primary childrens hospital.
fanfuckingtastic.
we took mady home cause she had to be at school the next day
but tyler told me he would stay with me.
so we made our way up to the U and went in.
i spent hours in the trauma department.
fucking poking me proding me with needles and patches andfinger monitor things that make you want to pretend you are ET. or that you can just use to smack tyler in the head with when your nurses arent looking.
so doctor after doctor after doctor.
they take me in give me an MRI.
i have abnormal swelling in my brain/brain stem.
it was triggered by my whatever it was i had a few weeks before.
its the first sign kinda thing for a disease called MS or multiple sclerosis.
which is :Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a potentially debilitating disease in which your body's immune system eats away at the protective sheath that covers your nerves. This interferes with the communication between your brain and the rest of your body. Ultimately, this may result in deterioration of the nerves themselves, a process that's not reversible.

so yeah. meet hilary the neurologic mess lol. im just kidding. its not that bad. and it may as well never get that bad. they dont know. but that night they gave me a spinal tap. and that was the worst thing they could ever do to me. i HATE needles. hate hate hate hate hate needles. it was a huge needle that they stick into your spine. gawdddd. it was horrible. but there tyler was and my brother aaron and his girlfriend jess and my mom all holding my hand while the doctors made me chemically drunk. fantastic.
that night i spent in the hospital. it wasnt half bad. they let me go the next day and told me to come bak the day after for more treatment and so on and so forth. high doses of steroids. lortab. all kinda of other stuff. and now i take it at home. which still sucks. but there has only been one day since then that i havent seen tyler. that boy is amazing. he's taking care of me and i need that.

cooper hasnt been there at all. he thought i was lying when i said i was in the hospital. and now he is trying to convince me that our lives are better seperate. maybe they are. but jordan ryuichi william cooper is the one boy i realy wanted to spend my life with. hell im 16 though. what do i know. i just wish he could have been there when i was lying in that hospital bed in pain. im just one lucky SOB that i had tyler there. i dont know what i would have done without him. i think everything would have been a lot worse.

i need to sleep. maybe ill post more tomorrow. idk yet depends on how i feel.
i love you. one and all

Boys boys Boys

2009-01-03T12:46:00.001-07:00

i like them much too much
i've gots a boyfriend now lol
his name is tyler =] tyler keepers
he is adorable absolutely adorable =]]
but dont tell cooper.
im trying to leave him out of it.
cause im in love with cooper and always will be. and who knows maybe we will be happy together but i want to be happy and together with someone now instead of just waiting for happiness to come later.
its a waste of life to not be happy.

i love stephi and ryan. lots =]

"You've got a cute way of talking. You've got the better of me,

2008-12-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

just snap you're fingers and i'm walking like a dog hangin on your knee

you make me feel like dancin"

Today i only went to one real class.

I went to Shakespeare.

Psychology- we went to sterling scholars assembly

Sociology- Being French club VP i got excused from 3rd so i could spend all 3 lunches running the ring toss and doing jack shit =] we made $73.25 which is a lot better than what some clubs have made. and right before 3rd lunch none other than my cowboy walks up and asks what im up to and tell him. it's $0.25 for one try $0.75 for 3 and for $1 you get 7 tries. well all he had was $0.20 so i told him i'd spot him a nickel. ok and just so you know this ring toss is not easy. it looks easy but it really isn't. he got one ring and made it. i just about pissed my pants. haha i love that kid and then he left his binder on top of the garbage can thing by the lunch tables and we couldnt find it and then half way through 3rd lunch i found it and i had an excuse to go to cowboy corner and see him =]]]

History- So i knew i was gonna be late to this class cause i had to help clean up the ring toss thing. and i had to count the money so on and so forth. so i went to brinton's class and that is right near my cowboy and my frenchie (florian) and my friend natalies spanish class is. so i stalled as long as i possibly could and eventually brinton told me that i didnt have to go to history and that i could just sit through the french 1 class. man i miss it when a french class was that easy haha. and then i was texting cowboy most of the period. =]]] then right before the bell rang i walked in front of their classroom. and natalie told me to come wait in the class for the bell so i did. MERRRRR HE IS SO DAMN CUTE =]

i dont wanna think or talk about anything else right now.

even though there is so much more to tell

but to tell you the truth none of it is really positive. =/

and i want my mady. i miss her.

fuck young womens.

she needs to be here

and i know she would be if her mom hadn't made her go =[

There’s no need for us to see the future tonight

2008-11-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanna live inside this moment all night

No It’s not difficult to tell baby I’m attracted

That’s the way you make me feel

I know you dont want a girlfriend now. but you still like me.

i just really want you to put a move on me.

im not like the other girls.

or maybe i am.

i dont know.

but i want a chance to be close with you

i dont care if we are together

i just want to be close.

Dear Cowboy....Again.

2008-11-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

when i look at you i get butterflies.

when you laugh it makes makes me smile and i cant stop

when you text me i jump up and down

you are so cute

so handsome

so funny

so fantastic.

you and your rodeo hats and your broken bones.

on another note. (completely different person) reid im sorry that you are a fucking asshole and that now you think im a bitch cause im sick of it. you were sweet until you saw that i liked zac more. at least zac can take it like a man and not be fucking posessive over a girl he had just met. and im not either of yours i like my cowboy and im fine with that. and i like shawn too. and then i still love jordan. but i feel the need to take a long break from that for now...

it needs to be tuesday.

or at least monday. i can walk florian to class and see you cowboy.

i hope.

Dear Cowboy,

2008-11-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like shouldnt have kissed you.

hilary.

i just gotta let it go let it go let it go

your not sure that you love me

2008-11-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

but your not sure enough to let me go

baby it aint fair ya know

to just keep me hanging round

you say you dont wanna hurt me

dont wanna see my tears

so why are you still standing just watchin me drown.

i never thought those lyrics would apply. not to me but to him. he doesnt know but they do.

i know i love you.
i really do.
i love you more than anyone i've ever met in my entire life.

but how do you know a relationship will really work if you arent around them more often than a week every 3 month or so. relationships are supposed to seeing each other everyday for the rest of your lives. how do i know i could do that? i dont. what if i am wasting my high school years away. i suppose there are a million what if's in this world. but im so confused. i dont know what to say to him. i really dont.

im fucking confused.

i need to talk to cooper.

the buttons on my phone, know i hate to be alone, when i dial, im in denial

2008-11-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

Mads and I

Mads and Charlie

Reid and I

Halloween was one of the greatest nights of my life. my god. Shawn Zac Charlie Reid Leonard George Bailey Jesse and Mads. Shawn was my tranny for the night. i wonder what he looks like when he isn't dressed up like a woman. silly sophomore. the night started with trick or treating. and evolved. we went 4Wheeling all over charlies dad's land and Reid showed off his skills and so did zac who was sitting on the front of the one Leonard and i were on. Zac leaned back and started driving the 4wheeler from the front. Scared the shit out of me. then George got his truck hi-centered. like way bad we were sitting there for like 20 min trying to get it off. it was funny though. watching all these boys in their costumes squatting to prop the truck up =] then we went to george and leonards house, met sadie, that is the saddest dog i have ever seen. she is so over weight. you almost really want to put her out of her misery. then mady came with me into the basement window well for my last cigarette for at least 3 weeks if not a lot longer. mady and i talked and talked and talked then charlie came out there. its almost ridiculous how easy he is to read. he is so into mady. and mady is into him. we'll see how this goes. and then last night most of us got together again well it was mady jesse ried ty (ried's little brother) george leonard jimmy and charlie. charlie made it clear from the start that he was going to be attached to mady all night so i chose Reid. i made a good choice. we went to a haunted corn maze. the second i walked into the scary part i freaked out and started walking out and crying and shit and Reid grabbed my shoulders and held onto me real tight and led me through it while i looked at the floor the whole time and sobbed. i didnt let go of him for pretty much the whole night. holding on to him was one of the only things that kept me from hanging all over mady that night. i was trying to back off of my best friend so that charlie would have a chance. it drove me crazy but it was for the best. i have to get over this whole intense jealousy thing before it destroys me. but yeah after the corn maze we went to charlies pretty much junk yard again and sat in the back of Reid's POS truck fro 30min or so. then we headed to jordan landing where we all just fucked around for a while then we went to copperton park which was freaky as fuckkk but so much fun with all the giant tractor tires and the pyramids and tunnels and real swings =] then there were gun shots or at least reid and leonard thought so haha and we all went home.

2 days man

2 of the best days of my life.

and there is so much more to come this next weekend =]

i dont know how i feel right now.

i wish i could just choose a college right now.

close my eyes spin me around and thow a dart.

it would be more accurate to what i want than me actually picking.

i want to go to richmond.

or to channel islands.
or to boston
yeah boston.
i like the sound of that.
but everything sounds good to me.
and it all sounds horrid too.

my first priority though has to be to get a job though.
Baskin or Beans here i come!

"take this and make it something beautiful again."-acceptance

2008-10-26T00:09:00.000-06:00

So tonight i went to the avalon with kasi and her friends tom and tyler. we saw norma jean, haste the day, children 183, oh sleeping, and mychildren mybride. it was fantastic. i manipulated tyler in less than 5 hours and by the end of the night he tried to get into my pants. haha yeah fuckin right i'd lethim do that. i may be a flirt but im no a whore. he was a cool guy though. and so for one of the bands we were in the pit and all the sudden the pit moved to the side for like 30 sec. we didnt think too much about it and even when we saw a guy with his 1 1/2 in gage ripped out of his ear we didnt think about it. but when we were in the car getting ready to leave all the sudden you hear a smash and the kid with the ripped ear has a bat and is hitting the car of the guy who ripped it. he smashed the window in and started fucking up the guy in the passngers seat. the driver fucking peels out backwards and smashes into Kasi's car (which is her G-ma's not hers) and then tries to get out and he cant and then the guy with the bat comes back and keeps smashing their car then they peel out into the middle ofthe street and BTFO. leaving Kas and tom and ty and i with a hit and run. kas was freaking the fuck out. the guy wth the bat, well i dont even know how he got away but he did. all 4 of us were so shook up. in the end the only damage was a bent in license plate and a couple of scratches on the front bumper. but kasi wasnt supposed to drive the car to the avalon only to tom's house and when she called her gma to tell her she started screaming nd yelling at kas. it was horrible to see her cry. i dont know whats gonna happen to kas when she gets home. im scared for her. it was a pretty scary experience.

damn, but for some reason it was so fucking cool. in a really fucked up way

none who would remember. none who would take me home..

2008-10-24T22:20:00.000-06:00

i feel like posting even though it useless at the moment. im too tired to even type right.

i want a kiss. really bad.

i wish cooper was here so he could hold me and warm me up
i wish stephi was here so i could hold her and smile
i wish mady was here so we could wrap ourselves up in sleeping bags and laugh

i want someone to make me quit smoking.

i cant do it by myself

its getting harder to hide

and harder to live with myself

i need to start working so i can succeed

i need to find something im good at so i can have something meaningful

i need to get my drive back

its time to sleep

non bete-noirs

Between the Bars

2008-10-20T14:54:00.000-06:00

"drink up baby stay up all night with the things you could do you wont but you might the potential you'll be that you'll never see the promises you'll only make drink up with me now forget all about the pressure of days do what i say and i'll make you ok and drive them away the images stuck in your head people youve been before that you dont want around anymore they push and shove and wont bend to your will i'll keep them still."

for the last 5 days cooper has been here. i didnt know how i felt. i still dont but when i left him at the airport i could help but start sobbing. it killed me. i didnt have the time to decide. i didnt have the time to learn to love again. we had fun. we had a lot of fun and its going to be hard to wake up tomorrow morning and not have him there. its going to be weird to not have there to hold me and kiss me and smother me in his love. i dont know what to do right now.

i want mady. i need to get out of here. i need one of her hugs. and he shoulder to cry on. i really didnt think it was going to be this hard to let him go home. i thought it was going to be easy but since whn is anyting easy? i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know.

i need a smoke...

Gotta Get Bad Before It Gets Good

2008-10-14T17:00:00.000-06:00

This girl. gets everything i've ever wanted. she gets the girls i want. she had the boy i wanted then. she has the life i want. i cant help feeling jealous. i needed to get that out.

lately i've felt so young. so immature. i cant stop complaining. at least in my head. i always feel sick and uncomfortable unless i've got a cigarette to my lips. just once a day. just once. and im not even going to get one today. but in those few seconds that my head is in oblivion i can just let go and fall on the ground and smile. but otherwise i cant. there is so much i need to get off my chest. just small things that when they are all in a space they start to suffocate you.
im starting to feel like im an insomniac. i cant sleep well anymore. and i feel like the guy that was played by edward norton in fight club. like you cant sleep or anything until you've had a good long cry. if only i could just have a 48 hour cry i think i would be good for a while. but i cant even cry for over 30 sec. tops.
im taking the PSAT tomorrow. im pretty confident but also at the same time i dont care.

ok so as you can see there are a million things going through my head and that this whole thing is a bit ADD. so to change the subject again. something is definatley missing from my life. i dont know what it is. it could be a real relationship. like someone to hold me and love and only love me. or maybe its my lack of direction in my life. i wanted to be a CSI and i still do but then i dont know if im cut out for it. i keep going back in my head that the only occupation my spastic personality can fit would be teaching. and i dont know if i could do it. Im missing that spark that makes you want to keep living life. maybe im missing the leadership i used to have over my friends. and then i found a different group of friends. maybe its that my so called best guy friend who said he hated heather is now trying to get back with her even after she attempted to punch me for starting rumors that i didnt even start. what a great friend brandon is. maybe its that as much as i want to give taylor her space i want to be near her. i want to get close to her and just pull her away from everyone in the school and just kiss her and let her go. i need to let her go. but i want to kiss her one more time before then. just one last kiss sweetie. there was so much i wanted to do for her. soooo much. i always want to do so much for people. and i get jack in return most of the time. i go out of my way to do cute things. or at least i did. i've stopped lately. but i never got anything back. why should i waste my money and my heart on people who wont even give me their time? the answer is i shouldnt. but life has never been that easy has it?

i've always cured my ridiculous manic depressiveness by immersing myself in other peoples lives or problems. now im the one with all the real problems and all i want to do is go back to living the other peoples lives. i know i cant do that but i want to. lately ive gotten realy good at immersing myself in peoples lives that dont exist. take the Tv show Skins for example in one day i spent 10 hours watching the show and now im immersed. i make random references to their lives to my friends and im sure it drives them crazy. oh and another thing that im sure drives my friends crazy. i cannot stop sighing. its not really sighing though. its that i keep forgetting to breath and then all the sudden when i stop thinking or talking or typing or whatever im doing at the moment i let it all out and it comes out as a sigh. it really sucks.

i dont know how much longer im gong to be typing for cause its sound like my mom is getting ready to leave. but that just means i have to type faster. i got started and im not ready to stop yet.

I'm such a fucking jealous person. seriously i need to get over it. now i have mads and she is my best friend and i dont worry about that but fuck. everyone else is just ridiculous the only other person i dont get too jealous about anymore is jordan haha which used to be the biggest problem for me. god he is going to be here on thurday and before monday i have to make my final decision on wether or not i want to keep going on with it. i already broke most of my ties with california besides the casual hey how are you doing and stuff like that. jordan is the only person from california that i really have the need to rely on anymore. i know things would be easier if broke the strings. but could i stand the healing process? could i live through it? i dont know. i have a lot to live for but i dont know what it is. and i think that is probably worse than actually knowing what you should be living for and then it really not being worth it. its worse to not know at all. and people can be like " you have me!" and all that stuff and its nice to hear but it doesnt help. i need to figure out how to live for myself and no one else how to take care of myself and make myself happy i want life to worth living for because i love it. not because everyone else loves it. then people will say "but its your choice to make it your life" but it is harder than it seems. i have an addictive personality im jealous as fuck and i just suck in general i know it is my fault that im not satisfied but its not as easy as trying to convince yourself that you love your life. its easy for the first few minutes but then you dont even notice when your face falls and you arent smiling anymore.

its getting too cold to go outside but for once in my life i just want to run. i want to get all my frustration out on my body and the pavement. i dont want to go far. just to the lake or so but its so cold i dont think i could get started. maybe i'll take mads with me. maybe her and i once i get a car can go to the gym and work out together. god knows i need it.

do i believe in god? i say his name in vain everyday so im sure that if he does exist he hates me haha i think im scared to believe in a god or any organized religion for that matter. im scared that im going to have to live by someone elses rules. im scared that someone actually put all this shit on the human race. i agree with bruce almight when he says somethign along the lines of god is the kid sitting on the ant hill with the magnifying glass in the middle of the day.

im done for now. i feel a bit better but stephan is online and i fee like talking to him.

muahhh*

hilamonter

2008-10-04T19:03:00.000-06:00

my old blog has too many old things. i need a new one. i need to start over. here it is.