Monday, November 17, 2008

There’s no need for us to see the future tonight

I just wanna live inside this moment all night
No It’s not difficult to tell baby I’m attracted
That’s the way you make me feel
I know you dont want a girlfriend now. but you still like me.
i just really want you to put a move on me.
im not like the other girls.
or maybe i am.
i dont know.
but i want a chance to be close with you
i dont care if we are together
i just want to be close.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dear Cowboy....Again.

when i look at you i get butterflies.
when you laugh it makes makes me smile and i cant stop
when you text me i jump up and down
you are so cute
so handsome
so funny
so fantastic.
you and your rodeo hats and your broken bones.
on another note. (completely different person) reid im sorry that you are a fucking asshole and that now you think im a bitch cause im sick of it. you were sweet until you saw that i liked zac more. at least zac can take it like a man and not be fucking posessive over a girl he had just met. and im not either of yours i like my cowboy and im fine with that. and i like shawn too. and then i still love jordan. but i feel the need to take a long break from that for now...
it needs to be tuesday.
or at least monday. i can walk florian to class and see you cowboy.
i hope.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Dear Cowboy,

I feel like shouldnt have kissed you.


i just gotta let it go let it go let it go

Friday, November 7, 2008

your not sure that you love me

but your not sure enough to let me go
baby it aint fair ya know
to just keep me hanging round
you say you dont wanna hurt me
dont wanna see my tears
so why are you still standing just watchin me drown.

i never thought those lyrics would apply. not to me but to him. he doesnt know but they do.

i know i love you.
i really do.
i love you more than anyone i've ever met in my entire life.

but how do you know a relationship will really work if you arent around them more often than a week every 3 month or so. relationships are supposed to seeing each other everyday for the rest of your lives. how do i know i could do that? i dont. what if i am wasting my high school years away. i suppose there are a million what if's in this world. but im so confused. i dont know what to say to him. i really dont.

im fucking confused.
i need to talk to cooper.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

the buttons on my phone, know i hate to be alone, when i dial, im in denial

Mads and I

Mads and Charlie
Reid and I

Halloween was one of the greatest nights of my life. my god. Shawn Zac Charlie Reid Leonard George Bailey Jesse and Mads. Shawn was my tranny for the night. i wonder what he looks like when he isn't dressed up like a woman. silly sophomore. the night started with trick or treating. and evolved. we went 4Wheeling all over charlies dad's land and Reid showed off his skills and so did zac who was sitting on the front of the one Leonard and i were on. Zac leaned back and started driving the 4wheeler from the front. Scared the shit out of me. then George got his truck hi-centered. like way bad we were sitting there for like 20 min trying to get it off. it was funny though. watching all these boys in their costumes squatting to prop the truck up =] then we went to george and leonards house, met sadie, that is the saddest dog i have ever seen. she is so over weight. you almost really want to put her out of her misery. then mady came with me into the basement window well for my last cigarette for at least 3 weeks if not a lot longer. mady and i talked and talked and talked then charlie came out there. its almost ridiculous how easy he is to read. he is so into mady. and mady is into him. we'll see how this goes. and then last night most of us got together again well it was mady jesse ried ty (ried's little brother) george leonard jimmy and charlie. charlie made it clear from the start that he was going to be attached to mady all night so i chose Reid. i made a good choice. we went to a haunted corn maze. the second i walked into the scary part i freaked out and started walking out and crying and shit and Reid grabbed my shoulders and held onto me real tight and led me through it while i looked at the floor the whole time and sobbed. i didnt let go of him for pretty much the whole night. holding on to him was one of the only things that kept me from hanging all over mady that night. i was trying to back off of my best friend so that charlie would have a chance. it drove me crazy but it was for the best. i have to get over this whole intense jealousy thing before it destroys me. but yeah after the corn maze we went to charlies pretty much junk yard again and sat in the back of Reid's POS truck fro 30min or so. then we headed to jordan landing where we all just fucked around for a while then we went to copperton park which was freaky as fuckkk but so much fun with all the giant tractor tires and the pyramids and tunnels and real swings =] then there were gun shots or at least reid and leonard thought so haha and we all went home.
2 days man
2 of the best days of my life.
and there is so much more to come this next weekend =]
i dont know how i feel right now.
i wish i could just choose a college right now.
close my eyes spin me around and thow a dart.
it would be more accurate to what i want than me actually picking.
i want to go to richmond.

or to channel islands.
or to boston
yeah boston.
i like the sound of that.
but everything sounds good to me.
and it all sounds horrid too.

my first priority though has to be to get a job though.
Baskin or Beans here i come!