Wednesday, December 3, 2008

"You've got a cute way of talking. You've got the better of me,

just snap you're fingers and i'm walking like a dog hangin on your knee
you make me feel like dancin"

Today i only went to one real class.
I went to Shakespeare.
Psychology- we went to sterling scholars assembly
Sociology- Being French club VP i got excused from 3rd so i could spend all 3 lunches running the ring toss and doing jack shit =] we made $73.25 which is a lot better than what some clubs have made. and right before 3rd lunch none other than my cowboy walks up and asks what im up to and tell him. it's $0.25 for one try $0.75 for 3 and for $1 you get 7 tries. well all he had was $0.20 so i told him i'd spot him a nickel. ok and just so you know this ring toss is not easy. it looks easy but it really isn't. he got one ring and made it. i just about pissed my pants. haha i love that kid and then he left his binder on top of the garbage can thing by the lunch tables and we couldnt find it and then half way through 3rd lunch i found it and i had an excuse to go to cowboy corner and see him =]]]
History- So i knew i was gonna be late to this class cause i had to help clean up the ring toss thing. and i had to count the money so on and so forth. so i went to brinton's class and that is right near my cowboy and my frenchie (florian) and my friend natalies spanish class is. so i stalled as long as i possibly could and eventually brinton told me that i didnt have to go to history and that i could just sit through the french 1 class. man i miss it when a french class was that easy haha. and then i was texting cowboy most of the period. =]]] then right before the bell rang i walked in front of their classroom. and natalie told me to come wait in the class for the bell so i did. MERRRRR HE IS SO DAMN CUTE =]
i dont wanna think or talk about anything else right now.
even though there is so much more to tell
but to tell you the truth none of it is really positive. =/
and i want my mady. i miss her.
fuck young womens.
she needs to be here
and i know she would be if her mom hadn't made her go =[

Monday, November 17, 2008

There’s no need for us to see the future tonight

I just wanna live inside this moment all night
No It’s not difficult to tell baby I’m attracted
That’s the way you make me feel
I know you dont want a girlfriend now. but you still like me.
i just really want you to put a move on me.
im not like the other girls.
or maybe i am.
i dont know.
but i want a chance to be close with you
i dont care if we are together
i just want to be close.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dear Cowboy....Again.

when i look at you i get butterflies.
when you laugh it makes makes me smile and i cant stop
when you text me i jump up and down
you are so cute
so handsome
so funny
so fantastic.
you and your rodeo hats and your broken bones.
on another note. (completely different person) reid im sorry that you are a fucking asshole and that now you think im a bitch cause im sick of it. you were sweet until you saw that i liked zac more. at least zac can take it like a man and not be fucking posessive over a girl he had just met. and im not either of yours i like my cowboy and im fine with that. and i like shawn too. and then i still love jordan. but i feel the need to take a long break from that for now...
it needs to be tuesday.
or at least monday. i can walk florian to class and see you cowboy.
i hope.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Dear Cowboy,

I feel like shouldnt have kissed you.


i just gotta let it go let it go let it go

Friday, November 7, 2008

your not sure that you love me

but your not sure enough to let me go
baby it aint fair ya know
to just keep me hanging round
you say you dont wanna hurt me
dont wanna see my tears
so why are you still standing just watchin me drown.

i never thought those lyrics would apply. not to me but to him. he doesnt know but they do.

i know i love you.
i really do.
i love you more than anyone i've ever met in my entire life.

but how do you know a relationship will really work if you arent around them more often than a week every 3 month or so. relationships are supposed to seeing each other everyday for the rest of your lives. how do i know i could do that? i dont. what if i am wasting my high school years away. i suppose there are a million what if's in this world. but im so confused. i dont know what to say to him. i really dont.

im fucking confused.
i need to talk to cooper.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

the buttons on my phone, know i hate to be alone, when i dial, im in denial

Mads and I

Mads and Charlie
Reid and I

Halloween was one of the greatest nights of my life. my god. Shawn Zac Charlie Reid Leonard George Bailey Jesse and Mads. Shawn was my tranny for the night. i wonder what he looks like when he isn't dressed up like a woman. silly sophomore. the night started with trick or treating. and evolved. we went 4Wheeling all over charlies dad's land and Reid showed off his skills and so did zac who was sitting on the front of the one Leonard and i were on. Zac leaned back and started driving the 4wheeler from the front. Scared the shit out of me. then George got his truck hi-centered. like way bad we were sitting there for like 20 min trying to get it off. it was funny though. watching all these boys in their costumes squatting to prop the truck up =] then we went to george and leonards house, met sadie, that is the saddest dog i have ever seen. she is so over weight. you almost really want to put her out of her misery. then mady came with me into the basement window well for my last cigarette for at least 3 weeks if not a lot longer. mady and i talked and talked and talked then charlie came out there. its almost ridiculous how easy he is to read. he is so into mady. and mady is into him. we'll see how this goes. and then last night most of us got together again well it was mady jesse ried ty (ried's little brother) george leonard jimmy and charlie. charlie made it clear from the start that he was going to be attached to mady all night so i chose Reid. i made a good choice. we went to a haunted corn maze. the second i walked into the scary part i freaked out and started walking out and crying and shit and Reid grabbed my shoulders and held onto me real tight and led me through it while i looked at the floor the whole time and sobbed. i didnt let go of him for pretty much the whole night. holding on to him was one of the only things that kept me from hanging all over mady that night. i was trying to back off of my best friend so that charlie would have a chance. it drove me crazy but it was for the best. i have to get over this whole intense jealousy thing before it destroys me. but yeah after the corn maze we went to charlies pretty much junk yard again and sat in the back of Reid's POS truck fro 30min or so. then we headed to jordan landing where we all just fucked around for a while then we went to copperton park which was freaky as fuckkk but so much fun with all the giant tractor tires and the pyramids and tunnels and real swings =] then there were gun shots or at least reid and leonard thought so haha and we all went home.
2 days man
2 of the best days of my life.
and there is so much more to come this next weekend =]
i dont know how i feel right now.
i wish i could just choose a college right now.
close my eyes spin me around and thow a dart.
it would be more accurate to what i want than me actually picking.
i want to go to richmond.

or to channel islands.
or to boston
yeah boston.
i like the sound of that.
but everything sounds good to me.
and it all sounds horrid too.

my first priority though has to be to get a job though.
Baskin or Beans here i come!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"take this and make it something beautiful again."-acceptance

So tonight i went to the avalon with kasi and her friends tom and tyler. we saw norma jean, haste the day, children 183, oh sleeping, and mychildren mybride. it was fantastic. i manipulated tyler in less than 5 hours and by the end of the night he tried to get into my pants. haha yeah fuckin right i'd lethim do that. i may be a flirt but im no a whore. he was a cool guy though. and so for one of the bands we were in the pit and all the sudden the pit moved to the side for like 30 sec. we didnt think too much about it and even when we saw a guy with his 1 1/2 in gage ripped out of his ear we didnt think about it. but when we were in the car getting ready to leave all the sudden you hear a smash and the kid with the ripped ear has a bat and is hitting the car of the guy who ripped it. he smashed the window in and started fucking up the guy in the passngers seat. the driver fucking peels out backwards and smashes into Kasi's car (which is her G-ma's not hers) and then tries to get out and he cant and then the guy with the bat comes back and keeps smashing their car then they peel out into the middle ofthe street and BTFO. leaving Kas and tom and ty and i with a hit and run. kas was freaking the fuck out. the guy wth the bat, well i dont even know how he got away but he did. all 4 of us were so shook up. in the end the only damage was a bent in license plate and a couple of scratches on the front bumper. but kasi wasnt supposed to drive the car to the avalon only to tom's house and when she called her gma to tell her she started screaming nd yelling at kas. it was horrible to see her cry. i dont know whats gonna happen to kas when she gets home. im scared for her. it was a pretty scary experience.

damn, but for some reason it was so fucking cool. in a really fucked up way

Friday, October 24, 2008

none who would remember. none who would take me home..

i feel like posting even though it useless at the moment. im too tired to even type right.

i want a kiss. really bad.

i wish cooper was here so he could hold me and warm me up
i wish stephi was here so i could hold her and smile
i wish mady was here so we could wrap ourselves up in sleeping bags and laugh

i want someone to make me quit smoking.
i cant do it by myself
its getting harder to hide
and harder to live with myself
i need to start working so i can succeed
i need to find something im good at so i can have something meaningful
i need to get my drive back
its time to sleep
non bete-noirs

Monday, October 20, 2008

Between the Bars

"drink up baby stay up all night with the things you could do you wont but you might the potential you'll be that you'll never see the promises you'll only make drink up with me now forget all about the pressure of days do what i say and i'll make you ok and drive them away the images stuck in your head people youve been before that you dont want around anymore they push and shove and wont bend to your will i'll keep them still."

for the last 5 days cooper has been here. i didnt know how i felt. i still dont but when i left him at the airport i could help but start sobbing. it killed me. i didnt have the time to decide. i didnt have the time to learn to love again. we had fun. we had a lot of fun and its going to be hard to wake up tomorrow morning and not have him there. its going to be weird to not have there to hold me and kiss me and smother me in his love. i dont know what to do right now.

i want mady. i need to get out of here. i need one of her hugs. and he shoulder to cry on. i really didnt think it was going to be this hard to let him go home. i thought it was going to be easy but since whn is anyting easy? i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know.

i need a smoke...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Gotta Get Bad Before It Gets Good

This girl. gets everything i've ever wanted. she gets the girls i want. she had the boy i wanted then. she has the life i want. i cant help feeling jealous. i needed to get that out.

lately i've felt so young. so immature. i cant stop complaining. at least in my head. i always feel sick and uncomfortable unless i've got a cigarette to my lips. just once a day. just once. and im not even going to get one today. but in those few seconds that my head is in oblivion i can just let go and fall on the ground and smile. but otherwise i cant. there is so much i need to get off my chest. just small things that when they are all in a space they start to suffocate you.
im starting to feel like im an insomniac. i cant sleep well anymore. and i feel like the guy that was played by edward norton in fight club. like you cant sleep or anything until you've had a good long cry. if only i could just have a 48 hour cry i think i would be good for a while. but i cant even cry for over 30 sec. tops.
im taking the PSAT tomorrow. im pretty confident but also at the same time i dont care.

ok so as you can see there are a million things going through my head and that this whole thing is a bit ADD. so to change the subject again. something is definatley missing from my life. i dont know what it is. it could be a real relationship. like someone to hold me and love and only love me. or maybe its my lack of direction in my life. i wanted to be a CSI and i still do but then i dont know if im cut out for it. i keep going back in my head that the only occupation my spastic personality can fit would be teaching. and i dont know if i could do it. Im missing that spark that makes you want to keep living life. maybe im missing the leadership i used to have over my friends. and then i found a different group of friends. maybe its that my so called best guy friend who said he hated heather is now trying to get back with her even after she attempted to punch me for starting rumors that i didnt even start. what a great friend brandon is. maybe its that as much as i want to give taylor her space i want to be near her. i want to get close to her and just pull her away from everyone in the school and just kiss her and let her go. i need to let her go. but i want to kiss her one more time before then. just one last kiss sweetie. there was so much i wanted to do for her. soooo much. i always want to do so much for people. and i get jack in return most of the time. i go out of my way to do cute things. or at least i did. i've stopped lately. but i never got anything back. why should i waste my money and my heart on people who wont even give me their time? the answer is i shouldnt. but life has never been that easy has it?

i've always cured my ridiculous manic depressiveness by immersing myself in other peoples lives or problems. now im the one with all the real problems and all i want to do is go back to living the other peoples lives. i know i cant do that but i want to. lately ive gotten realy good at immersing myself in peoples lives that dont exist. take the Tv show Skins for example in one day i spent 10 hours watching the show and now im immersed. i make random references to their lives to my friends and im sure it drives them crazy. oh and another thing that im sure drives my friends crazy. i cannot stop sighing. its not really sighing though. its that i keep forgetting to breath and then all the sudden when i stop thinking or talking or typing or whatever im doing at the moment i let it all out and it comes out as a sigh. it really sucks.

i dont know how much longer im gong to be typing for cause its sound like my mom is getting ready to leave. but that just means i have to type faster. i got started and im not ready to stop yet.

I'm such a fucking jealous person. seriously i need to get over it. now i have mads and she is my best friend and i dont worry about that but fuck. everyone else is just ridiculous the only other person i dont get too jealous about anymore is jordan haha which used to be the biggest problem for me. god he is going to be here on thurday and before monday i have to make my final decision on wether or not i want to keep going on with it. i already broke most of my ties with california besides the casual hey how are you doing and stuff like that. jordan is the only person from california that i really have the need to rely on anymore. i know things would be easier if broke the strings. but could i stand the healing process? could i live through it? i dont know. i have a lot to live for but i dont know what it is. and i think that is probably worse than actually knowing what you should be living for and then it really not being worth it. its worse to not know at all. and people can be like " you have me!" and all that stuff and its nice to hear but it doesnt help. i need to figure out how to live for myself and no one else how to take care of myself and make myself happy i want life to worth living for because i love it. not because everyone else loves it. then people will say "but its your choice to make it your life" but it is harder than it seems. i have an addictive personality im jealous as fuck and i just suck in general i know it is my fault that im not satisfied but its not as easy as trying to convince yourself that you love your life. its easy for the first few minutes but then you dont even notice when your face falls and you arent smiling anymore.

its getting too cold to go outside but for once in my life i just want to run. i want to get all my frustration out on my body and the pavement. i dont want to go far. just to the lake or so but its so cold i dont think i could get started. maybe i'll take mads with me. maybe her and i once i get a car can go to the gym and work out together. god knows i need it.

do i believe in god? i say his name in vain everyday so im sure that if he does exist he hates me haha i think im scared to believe in a god or any organized religion for that matter. im scared that im going to have to live by someone elses rules. im scared that someone actually put all this shit on the human race. i agree with bruce almight when he says somethign along the lines of god is the kid sitting on the ant hill with the magnifying glass in the middle of the day.

im done for now. i feel a bit better but stephan is online and i fee like talking to him.



Saturday, October 4, 2008

my old blog has too many old things. i need a new one. i need to start over. here it is.