Gotta Get Bad Before It Gets Good

This girl. gets everything i've ever wanted. she gets the girls i want. she had the boy i wanted then. she has the life i want. i cant help feeling jealous. i needed to get that out.

lately i've felt so young. so immature. i cant stop complaining. at least in my head. i always feel sick and uncomfortable unless i've got a cigarette to my lips. just once a day. just once. and im not even going to get one today. but in those few seconds that my head is in oblivion i can just let go and fall on the ground and smile. but otherwise i cant. there is so much i need to get off my chest. just small things that when they are all in a space they start to suffocate you.
im starting to feel like im an insomniac. i cant sleep well anymore. and i feel like the guy that was played by edward norton in fight club. like you cant sleep or anything until you've had a good long cry. if only i could just have a 48 hour cry i think i would be good for a while. but i cant even cry for over 30 sec. tops.
im taking the PSAT tomorrow. im pretty confident but also at the same time i dont care.

ok so as you can see there are a million things going through my head and that this whole thing is a bit ADD. so to change the subject again. something is definatley missing from my life. i dont know what it is. it could be a real relationship. like someone to hold me and love and only love me. or maybe its my lack of direction in my life. i wanted to be a CSI and i still do but then i dont know if im cut out for it. i keep going back in my head that the only occupation my spastic personality can fit would be teaching. and i dont know if i could do it. Im missing that spark that makes you want to keep living life. maybe im missing the leadership i used to have over my friends. and then i found a different group of friends. maybe its that my so called best guy friend who said he hated heather is now trying to get back with her even after she attempted to punch me for starting rumors that i didnt even start. what a great friend brandon is. maybe its that as much as i want to give taylor her space i want to be near her. i want to get close to her and just pull her away from everyone in the school and just kiss her and let her go. i need to let her go. but i want to kiss her one more time before then. just one last kiss sweetie. there was so much i wanted to do for her. soooo much. i always want to do so much for people. and i get jack in return most of the time. i go out of my way to do cute things. or at least i did. i've stopped lately. but i never got anything back. why should i waste my money and my heart on people who wont even give me their time? the answer is i shouldnt. but life has never been that easy has it?

i've always cured my ridiculous manic depressiveness by immersing myself in other peoples lives or problems. now im the one with all the real problems and all i want to do is go back to living the other peoples lives. i know i cant do that but i want to. lately ive gotten realy good at immersing myself in peoples lives that dont exist. take the Tv show Skins for example in one day i spent 10 hours watching the show and now im immersed. i make random references to their lives to my friends and im sure it drives them crazy. oh and another thing that im sure drives my friends crazy. i cannot stop sighing. its not really sighing though. its that i keep forgetting to breath and then all the sudden when i stop thinking or talking or typing or whatever im doing at the moment i let it all out and it comes out as a sigh. it really sucks.

i dont know how much longer im gong to be typing for cause its sound like my mom is getting ready to leave. but that just means i have to type faster. i got started and im not ready to stop yet.

I'm such a fucking jealous person. seriously i need to get over it. now i have mads and she is my best friend and i dont worry about that but fuck. everyone else is just ridiculous the only other person i dont get too jealous about anymore is jordan haha which used to be the biggest problem for me. god he is going to be here on thurday and before monday i have to make my final decision on wether or not i want to keep going on with it. i already broke most of my ties with california besides the casual hey how are you doing and stuff like that. jordan is the only person from california that i really have the need to rely on anymore. i know things would be easier if broke the strings. but could i stand the healing process? could i live through it? i dont know. i have a lot to live for but i dont know what it is. and i think that is probably worse than actually knowing what you should be living for and then it really not being worth it. its worse to not know at all. and people can be like " you have me!" and all that stuff and its nice to hear but it doesnt help. i need to figure out how to live for myself and no one else how to take care of myself and make myself happy i want life to worth living for because i love it. not because everyone else loves it. then people will say "but its your choice to make it your life" but it is harder than it seems. i have an addictive personality im jealous as fuck and i just suck in general i know it is my fault that im not satisfied but its not as easy as trying to convince yourself that you love your life. its easy for the first few minutes but then you dont even notice when your face falls and you arent smiling anymore.

its getting too cold to go outside but for once in my life i just want to run. i want to get all my frustration out on my body and the pavement. i dont want to go far. just to the lake or so but its so cold i dont think i could get started. maybe i'll take mads with me. maybe her and i once i get a car can go to the gym and work out together. god knows i need it.

do i believe in god? i say his name in vain everyday so im sure that if he does exist he hates me haha i think im scared to believe in a god or any organized religion for that matter. im scared that im going to have to live by someone elses rules. im scared that someone actually put all this shit on the human race. i agree with bruce almight when he says somethign along the lines of god is the kid sitting on the ant hill with the magnifying glass in the middle of the day.

im done for now. i feel a bit better but stephan is online and i fee like talking to him.

muahhh*

hilamonter